One month..

I've heard time is the biggest healer..It's been one month today since she has gone to her final abode.. There hasn't been a single second when we haven't thought about her or remembered her... She will be with us forever InshAllah.. In our thoughts, in our prayers, in our conversations.. 
Our lives are getting back to normal but its a 'new normal' now where we are striving to live without her.. Striving to change our lives now.. She was the backbone of our home.. A woman who was a perfect housewife... We realized all this only once we lost her.. Our home revolved around her and her love for taking care of the home showed in each and everything.. Everything became upside down..It can never be done the same way as she used to do because no one amongst us can be as perfect as her.. She inspires me to be the perfect homemaker.. Now, I want to imitate her in each and everything.. The way she used to do things.. The way she used to talk, her approach towards life, her views about the surroundings, her cooking skills, her cleanliness: things which I didn't even notice before.. 
I have learned a lot in this one month.. Firstly, how to live each day without her and to remember and recall that she is in a much better place InshAllah where Allah SWT has given her the highest of ranks InshAllah.. Secondly, its just the loss of the closed ones and no one else's, you get to know closely who is loyal to you and is sincere towards your grief.. Thirdly, a lot of people love and support you in certain ways which you had never imagined.. In my case, my immediate family, my in laws, my friends and some of the extended family members.. My heart sincerely prays for everyone who had been and are there with us in our tough time..
I have also learned to make decisions not having her around.. For a tiny little thing, which I wanted to buy, I used to ask her opinion first.. If she showed hesitancy, I never bought that thing.. Ammi, I am still trying to be decisive and learning to make wise decisions as you used to do.. Buying something is a very small example.. She was my mentor, my guide in everything. Allah SWT didn't give me a sister but I had Ammi who played a number of roles in my life.. A great hollowness is created in my life but Allah SWT has given me strength to live with it.. He never burdens a soul beyond which it can bear.. So we all are holding on to the faith and consoling ourselves that it was Allah's will and He knows best what is better for us..
Abbu is the strongest amongst all of us.. Or maybe he is trying to be strong for us..Maybe we all are pretending and being strong for each other.. When we meet, we pretend as if we are fine and coping with it well but the reality is we all are still trying to gather the strength to accept the 'new normal' and to understand how our lives have changed..
After all three of us got married, her life revolved around Abbu mostly.. Doing all of his things perfectly without he being troubled about anything was her love for him.. She cared for us after our marriages in a different way.. Giving us personal space, making food for us and inviting us over was something which she loved to do.. She had that sparkling smile on her face when all of us used to be together at her house.. 
An ocean of thoughts start running through my mind once I pen down my feelings.. Our love for her cannot be put into words.. Similarly, we missing her cannot be explained either..
The faith that we are sadqa e jariah for her makes us do deeds out of our way.. That's our faith and the only way to be connected to her.. She is and will be in our hearts forever.. InshAllah..
Ammi, I know for a fact that you are enjoying the blessings of Jannah up there InshAllah! Loads of prayers for you always! May Allah SWT elevate your ranks in Jannat and keep you in a much precious place InshAllah. Ameen! 

The Void..

Today : 19th day without her. At times I am unable to accept that she is no longer with us. It all happened so suddenly that we still cannot fathom the truth. She slipped from our hands so quickly: it’s unbelievable .We all know that it's Allah's will and it cannot be undone. Life's unpredictability is felt closely if you lose a loved one. This incident hit me about this temporary life and I felt this reality so strongly that I can't put it into words. Everything seems useless as nothing can help me bring her back .It’s our emaan(faith)which has given sabar(strength) to us (all three siblings). Every passing day ,we live with this ray of hope (and faith )that if we do good deeds and pray for her in our life, we will definitely meet her in Jannah, InshaAllah.. She was a gem of a person. So simple yet so elegant. She had a class of her own, mashaAllah. Whether it was religion or any worldly affair, she excelled in all. She taught us a lot of things which were left unnoticed at that time but after her death, it all made sense .Now, we want to follow everything she would guide us over. Using the word 'dead' for her makes me shiver. The idea of losing her was always haunting but it never dawned on me that I would have to go through the feeling of losing her so soon in my life. Allah swt has His own ways of teaching us about life, testing us and ultimately bringing us close to Him. Maybe for us He chose this way. We are content with Allah's decision because as we are always told that our life is Allah's amanah and we all have to go back to Him one day but it’s the void. The void is there and would remain there forever. No one can take her place because no one is even a speck near in perfection to how she was. She was a different woman. I have never met someone like her, ever .Even as her daughter, I don't remember hearing anything negative about anyone from her end of/for others. She was a lady with a warm-smiling face who was very quiet, thoughtful, thankful and God fearing .I have never heard her complain about anything in life. Always thanking Allah for His countless blessings bestowed on her. My brothers often narrate how numerous people attended her janazah mashaAllah, so much so that the mosque was entirely full. What more can a person ask for -Alhamdulillah. Whoever met her, even if for once, would remember her smiling face and her quiet nature. She was loved by everyone and I am certain Allah swt also loved her a lot hence she was called earlier. My best friend, my mentor, my guide, my sister: she was my everything .I have endured through the fact that I’ve lost a part of myself but at every step I am thankful to Allah swt for uplifting my spirits and granting me strength through this .Distinct: its unlikely to meet any one even close to her nature, her self. No one can be like her. I will always miss her: every second of my life and will love her more with every passing second. Losing a mother isn’t easy but Allah swt teaches you to live without one. He aids you with special strength to live without your loved one .May Allah swt raise her ranks in jannat ul firdaus and may Allah swt bless her with a place in barzakh where He keeps His beloved,May Allah SWT make us a sadqa e jariah for her forever inshaAllah.ameen! I miss you Ammi! The void is felt every second but I know you are happy up there InshaAllah! I love you Ammi!