3 years..

3 years today..I don't know where to start from since there's an ocean of thoughts inside me.  Everyone has their own way of dealing with the loss, my way of dealing is to pen down my feelings as expressively as possible. A LOT has changed in  these 3 years. Seems like 3 thousand years since you have left for your final abode. Seems like it's been a lifetime I haven't felt your presence around, touched you or seen you so closely.
The past one year has taught me what motherhood is and made me love you even more. Only if you were around to witness all this, I would have expressed how much I value you! My son Hamza is a happy, active, hyper and adorable being who has filled our lives with love and joy Alhamdulillah! I can't express the happiness of having this great blessing in my life but the void of you not being around will always be there! It's like a box in our lives has been emptied forever and no matter how hard we try no one can fill that box or take it's place..
The way you cared for my nephew and nieces, I can only wish Hamza was lucky enough to be raised up in your arms and had your company. He will also be deprived of the love of a Nani, the love which I am sure is greater and far different than a mother's love. I keep imagining what if you were there how would you have pampered and spoiled Hamza with your never ending love and affection! I often talk about you with Hamza so that he knows who his Nano was and how much she would have loved him.
I really want to raise him the way you raised us three and I don't think I can even come close to the upbringing you did of us.
They say "Time is the biggest healer". It is indeed , but the scar and loss becomes too strong with time. One learns to live with it but the *new personality * is way too different and way too mature which becomes strong to face the challenges of life yet so fearful and weak from inside.

2.5 months..

My son,Hamza, is almost 3 months now mashAllah.This journey from being a wife to a mother has been beautiful so far. This had made me love my beloved mother more and more with each passing day. All the hardships she must have borne to raise us is now being felt by me while looking after my son. Since his birth till today, at his every milestone, I wonder what would have Ammi said, how would she have reacted to his growing up and how much she would have loved him. Maybe more than me since he was my son and she loved me the most. Everytime I take his picture or make him wear new clothes or he has God forbid some problem, I just wish and wish that I can share it with my mother. At times, I wish I open my whatsapp contact list and find her online and send her his pictures to which she would just reply with a smile saying "mashAllah".That emptiness of not sending the pictures or calling ammi at that very instant is very saddening at times. Saddening might be a small word to describe the feeling. It's rather the hollowness which one feels which no other relation can fulfil. A woman needs her mother the  most when she becomes a mother herself. A mother can replace all other relations which a woman feels are farthering away from her because of the changes she faces in her life. A mother can become a friend when the girl doesn't find her friends around, she can become a mentor and guide of how to raise the child and she can at times become that annoying mother too with all the unwanted advice:D
I miss my Ammi more all the time since I can't share this huge happiness with her where she is besides me , assuring me that I don't need any other relation to sail through this phase of life. 

Hamza's birth

I am writing today after exactly 9 months..Life has taken a further 360 degree turn in these 9 months. From a daughter, sister, wife, daughter in law, sister in law, I've been blessed with the relation of being a Mother. Yes Ammi, I am a mother now Alhamdulilah, the wish which you always had for me. I even remember one of the last things you talked to me about was "Allah tumhein bi khair se dein jaldi se." I had never even imagined that you won't be able to witness this important and precious moment of my life. I don't know how far is this true but I hope you are happy up there watching me having this experience.
Throughout my nine months, each and every moment Allah SWT made me realize that I am not alone in this process and there are numerous relations around me who would help me in some way or the other. I still strongly believe that your prayers are still with me working for me, making me strong each and every day and making things easier for me Alhamdulillah.
We have decided to name him Hamza , meaning Lion! He will be our Lion, brave and strong like his grandparents and parents inshAllah! 

1.5 years...

I was at an engagement party when I recieved my cousin's call. It was an unexpected one as we talk very occasionally. While conversing with her, I found out that she was missing you Ammi as she had always looked upto you for advice and you were not only a friend to her but a great mentor as well.
That phone call made me realize yet once again about your beautiful nature and your kind heartedness. How important you were to a number of people and we didn't even know. We all talk about people in good words who have passed away, but my heart always tell me that you were a very different being ; someone who won the hearts of children, adults, old people, everyone! That constant decent, polite look on your face was my comfort zone to relieve myself from any sort of worries or discomforts. At times, it is still hard to find someone who can do this magic but Allah helps me through it somehow. I still feel your presence in my life. If something good happens and I am unable to figure out why, I wonder maybe it's your prayers which are still working and will continue to work forever inshAllah.
For people who know us, maybe they  think that we are normal and back to the previous form but trust me there is nothing like going back to the normal us. It's a hollowness in us which will be there forever. Whey they say you lose a part of yourself , they say it so rightly..you do lose a part of yourself and I don't think anyone can figure it out. I feel I lost a great friend.. When young, I didn't realize what it is to feel that someone is always there, that I  have a back to go to..but with the passage of time I realized that people are there for you for a limited time at their convenience..everyone has a life and priorities and it is even fair to move on with those priorities as no one's life is stopped because of the other.. One thing which I learned after you is I have to stand up on my own and live it up myself, no one can help me do it..no one should even be expected to do it..I have stopped expecting from anyone..if they are there I am very thankful to them and to Allah but if they aren't I am not hurt as they have their own life..
It's been 1.5 years since you left us.. seems like centuries though..There hasn't been a single day when I have woken up without this thought of you not being there.. But Allah has brought us to it and He has made us sail through it too.. it's a constant sailing though now.. I still clearly remembers who came, who consoled, who made an effort to be there and help us through that time. I can never forget how my best friend flew from Dubai the moment she heard about it.. More than me I think she came for you as you had a different association with her.. I can't forget that gesture of hers, may Allah always keep her happy inshAllah.. You had an association with everyone and I am sure everyone prays for you in their own way and I am sure you are happy there inshAllah..
I can just try and pray to be like you as humans like you are very rarely born.. maybe I can be a bit like you were inshAllah..
Love you and miss you beyond words can express.. you will always be in my prayers and thoughts..

Ramadan

10th Ramadan, 

Since the 1st Ramadan I have been trying to jot down my thoughts but never found the courage to pen them down. This Ramadan is different , very different from the past 28 Ramadans I've experienced  in my life. It's never going to be same ever  as you aren't here anymore. 

No one was there to wish me Ramadan mubarak after the sighting of the moon. No one to pray for me and my married life and send loads of blessings my way. No one to motivate me how to spend and encash most of Allah's blessings in this blessed month. 

Not a single second has been passed without thinking or praying for you Ammi. I know you are in a wonderful place inshAllah as whenever I think about you I feel I am at peace. The beautiful and pious person you were,  I know you are one of Allah's favorite inshAllah enjoying there waiting for us to join you there inshAllah!  

At sehri time when it's almost Azan time, I remember how you told us to pray as it is the time of qubooliyat, i recall you telling us to pray Salat ul Tasbeeh, praying chasht,  learning Quran or at least understanding it, praying at the time of iftar as duas are accepted at that time. 

I recite Quran in the same Quran which you used and I can feel you being there by my side. 

Whenever I think about you, I recall the smiling face full of noor and contentment. Alhamdulillah! You taught us a lot Ammi,  I wish I can be a mother like you or at least have a glimpse of who you were as a daughter,  sister,  mother, friend and a person as a whole. In your life, I didn't even realize that I wanted to be like you but now I yearn to be like you so that when I also leave this world,  people remember me with all those wonderful words they use to remember you. 

You had your own aura: a quiet,  calm, peaceful, God-fearing being who never had any complains from her life or from anyone else, someone who was always thanking Allah with whatever she had. I don't remember hearing anything bad about anyone from you,  EVER and the world is a witness to this quality of yours. 

Maybe this world was too harsh and evil for a person like you therefore Allah wanted you to be there earlier. 

Wharever we siblings are today, is all because of you and Abbu. If someone look upto us or praise us, I know they are praising you and Abbu. 

MayAllah SWT bless you with the highest place in jannat ul firdaus and make us a great sadqa e jariah for you. May Allah SWT make us the coolness of abbu's eyes and may He give us the courage to serve him, respect him, love him as he deserves it all. Ameen 

Love you and miss you a lot, everyday, every minute, every second, every moment!  

One month..

I've heard time is the biggest healer..It's been one month today since she has gone to her final abode.. There hasn't been a single second when we haven't thought about her or remembered her... She will be with us forever InshAllah.. In our thoughts, in our prayers, in our conversations.. 
Our lives are getting back to normal but its a 'new normal' now where we are striving to live without her.. Striving to change our lives now.. She was the backbone of our home.. A woman who was a perfect housewife... We realized all this only once we lost her.. Our home revolved around her and her love for taking care of the home showed in each and everything.. Everything became upside down..It can never be done the same way as she used to do because no one amongst us can be as perfect as her.. She inspires me to be the perfect homemaker.. Now, I want to imitate her in each and everything.. The way she used to do things.. The way she used to talk, her approach towards life, her views about the surroundings, her cooking skills, her cleanliness: things which I didn't even notice before.. 
I have learned a lot in this one month.. Firstly, how to live each day without her and to remember and recall that she is in a much better place InshAllah where Allah SWT has given her the highest of ranks InshAllah.. Secondly, its just the loss of the closed ones and no one else's, you get to know closely who is loyal to you and is sincere towards your grief.. Thirdly, a lot of people love and support you in certain ways which you had never imagined.. In my case, my immediate family, my in laws, my friends and some of the extended family members.. My heart sincerely prays for everyone who had been and are there with us in our tough time..
I have also learned to make decisions not having her around.. For a tiny little thing, which I wanted to buy, I used to ask her opinion first.. If she showed hesitancy, I never bought that thing.. Ammi, I am still trying to be decisive and learning to make wise decisions as you used to do.. Buying something is a very small example.. She was my mentor, my guide in everything. Allah SWT didn't give me a sister but I had Ammi who played a number of roles in my life.. A great hollowness is created in my life but Allah SWT has given me strength to live with it.. He never burdens a soul beyond which it can bear.. So we all are holding on to the faith and consoling ourselves that it was Allah's will and He knows best what is better for us..
Abbu is the strongest amongst all of us.. Or maybe he is trying to be strong for us..Maybe we all are pretending and being strong for each other.. When we meet, we pretend as if we are fine and coping with it well but the reality is we all are still trying to gather the strength to accept the 'new normal' and to understand how our lives have changed..
After all three of us got married, her life revolved around Abbu mostly.. Doing all of his things perfectly without he being troubled about anything was her love for him.. She cared for us after our marriages in a different way.. Giving us personal space, making food for us and inviting us over was something which she loved to do.. She had that sparkling smile on her face when all of us used to be together at her house.. 
An ocean of thoughts start running through my mind once I pen down my feelings.. Our love for her cannot be put into words.. Similarly, we missing her cannot be explained either..
The faith that we are sadqa e jariah for her makes us do deeds out of our way.. That's our faith and the only way to be connected to her.. She is and will be in our hearts forever.. InshAllah..
Ammi, I know for a fact that you are enjoying the blessings of Jannah up there InshAllah! Loads of prayers for you always! May Allah SWT elevate your ranks in Jannat and keep you in a much precious place InshAllah. Ameen! 

The Void..

Today : 19th day without her. At times I am unable to accept that she is no longer with us. It all happened so suddenly that we still cannot fathom the truth. She slipped from our hands so quickly: it’s unbelievable .We all know that it's Allah's will and it cannot be undone. Life's unpredictability is felt closely if you lose a loved one. This incident hit me about this temporary life and I felt this reality so strongly that I can't put it into words. Everything seems useless as nothing can help me bring her back .It’s our emaan(faith)which has given sabar(strength) to us (all three siblings). Every passing day ,we live with this ray of hope (and faith )that if we do good deeds and pray for her in our life, we will definitely meet her in Jannah, InshaAllah.. She was a gem of a person. So simple yet so elegant. She had a class of her own, mashaAllah. Whether it was religion or any worldly affair, she excelled in all. She taught us a lot of things which were left unnoticed at that time but after her death, it all made sense .Now, we want to follow everything she would guide us over. Using the word 'dead' for her makes me shiver. The idea of losing her was always haunting but it never dawned on me that I would have to go through the feeling of losing her so soon in my life. Allah swt has His own ways of teaching us about life, testing us and ultimately bringing us close to Him. Maybe for us He chose this way. We are content with Allah's decision because as we are always told that our life is Allah's amanah and we all have to go back to Him one day but it’s the void. The void is there and would remain there forever. No one can take her place because no one is even a speck near in perfection to how she was. She was a different woman. I have never met someone like her, ever .Even as her daughter, I don't remember hearing anything negative about anyone from her end of/for others. She was a lady with a warm-smiling face who was very quiet, thoughtful, thankful and God fearing .I have never heard her complain about anything in life. Always thanking Allah for His countless blessings bestowed on her. My brothers often narrate how numerous people attended her janazah mashaAllah, so much so that the mosque was entirely full. What more can a person ask for -Alhamdulillah. Whoever met her, even if for once, would remember her smiling face and her quiet nature. She was loved by everyone and I am certain Allah swt also loved her a lot hence she was called earlier. My best friend, my mentor, my guide, my sister: she was my everything .I have endured through the fact that I’ve lost a part of myself but at every step I am thankful to Allah swt for uplifting my spirits and granting me strength through this .Distinct: its unlikely to meet any one even close to her nature, her self. No one can be like her. I will always miss her: every second of my life and will love her more with every passing second. Losing a mother isn’t easy but Allah swt teaches you to live without one. He aids you with special strength to live without your loved one .May Allah swt raise her ranks in jannat ul firdaus and may Allah swt bless her with a place in barzakh where He keeps His beloved,May Allah SWT make us a sadqa e jariah for her forever inshaAllah.ameen! I miss you Ammi! The void is felt every second but I know you are happy up there InshaAllah! I love you Ammi!