3 years..

3 years today..I don't know where to start from since there's an ocean of thoughts inside me.  Everyone has their own way of dealing with the loss, my way of dealing is to pen down my feelings as expressively as possible. A LOT has changed in  these 3 years. Seems like 3 thousand years since you have left for your final abode. Seems like it's been a lifetime I haven't felt your presence around, touched you or seen you so closely.
The past one year has taught me what motherhood is and made me love you even more. Only if you were around to witness all this, I would have expressed how much I value you! My son Hamza is a happy, active, hyper and adorable being who has filled our lives with love and joy Alhamdulillah! I can't express the happiness of having this great blessing in my life but the void of you not being around will always be there! It's like a box in our lives has been emptied forever and no matter how hard we try no one can fill that box or take it's place..
The way you cared for my nephew and nieces, I can only wish Hamza was lucky enough to be raised up in your arms and had your company. He will also be deprived of the love of a Nani, the love which I am sure is greater and far different than a mother's love. I keep imagining what if you were there how would you have pampered and spoiled Hamza with your never ending love and affection! I often talk about you with Hamza so that he knows who his Nano was and how much she would have loved him.
I really want to raise him the way you raised us three and I don't think I can even come close to the upbringing you did of us.
They say "Time is the biggest healer". It is indeed , but the scar and loss becomes too strong with time. One learns to live with it but the *new personality * is way too different and way too mature which becomes strong to face the challenges of life yet so fearful and weak from inside.

2.5 months..

My son,Hamza, is almost 3 months now mashAllah.This journey from being a wife to a mother has been beautiful so far. This had made me love my beloved mother more and more with each passing day. All the hardships she must have borne to raise us is now being felt by me while looking after my son. Since his birth till today, at his every milestone, I wonder what would have Ammi said, how would she have reacted to his growing up and how much she would have loved him. Maybe more than me since he was my son and she loved me the most. Everytime I take his picture or make him wear new clothes or he has God forbid some problem, I just wish and wish that I can share it with my mother. At times, I wish I open my whatsapp contact list and find her online and send her his pictures to which she would just reply with a smile saying "mashAllah".That emptiness of not sending the pictures or calling ammi at that very instant is very saddening at times. Saddening might be a small word to describe the feeling. It's rather the hollowness which one feels which no other relation can fulfil. A woman needs her mother the  most when she becomes a mother herself. A mother can replace all other relations which a woman feels are farthering away from her because of the changes she faces in her life. A mother can become a friend when the girl doesn't find her friends around, she can become a mentor and guide of how to raise the child and she can at times become that annoying mother too with all the unwanted advice:D
I miss my Ammi more all the time since I can't share this huge happiness with her where she is besides me , assuring me that I don't need any other relation to sail through this phase of life. 

Hamza's birth

I am writing today after exactly 9 months..Life has taken a further 360 degree turn in these 9 months. From a daughter, sister, wife, daughter in law, sister in law, I've been blessed with the relation of being a Mother. Yes Ammi, I am a mother now Alhamdulilah, the wish which you always had for me. I even remember one of the last things you talked to me about was "Allah tumhein bi khair se dein jaldi se." I had never even imagined that you won't be able to witness this important and precious moment of my life. I don't know how far is this true but I hope you are happy up there watching me having this experience.
Throughout my nine months, each and every moment Allah SWT made me realize that I am not alone in this process and there are numerous relations around me who would help me in some way or the other. I still strongly believe that your prayers are still with me working for me, making me strong each and every day and making things easier for me Alhamdulillah.
We have decided to name him Hamza , meaning Lion! He will be our Lion, brave and strong like his grandparents and parents inshAllah!